Why Extreme Sports Aren't For Me (You probably wouldn't like rolling down a volcano either)

I have mentioned once or twice a million times that I am not a talented athlete. I'm not even an athlete. My idea of an extreme sport is knitting while watching TV. I get nervous watching Olympic divers! I get nervous watching Olympic table tennis!! But I love my sister which is why today I agreed to do something extreme and climbed into a tractor to go volcano boarding. I love my sister so much that this whole day is serving as her birthday present (let me also note that three years ago today, we ran a 5K for her birthday... Where is my tacky t-shirt prize for best sister ever?!)

I even bought her the neon orange bandana so that she didn't have to taste ash and eat rocks as she went down the volcano!

So I'm going to call the vehicle that we took to the volcano, Cerro Negri, a tractor, but it was, in fact, a death machine. First off, people sitting on the outside (us) had to duck to make sure we didn't get hit by trees! Like oh yeah, I survived volcano boarding but I got a concussion when I didn't move out of the way of an incoming branch... It also somehow amplified the impact of every tiny pothole to be a world shaking earthquake. I thought I might bounce out.

When we arrived at Cerro Negro, we still had to hike to the summit. It would be an hour and we stupidly decided to carry our boards when we could have paid someone $5 to do it for us had to carry our boards and orange prison jumpsuits. Now before I get any further into this story let me quash any visions people might have of us strapping a snowboard to our sneakers and surfing down molten lava. These boards closely resembled sleds. They had formica on the bottom and we were informed that this is what allowed us to slide down the ash and rocks of the volcano (not hot lava). As we were hiking the volcano, our tour guide gave us interesting volcano facts that I have now forgotten, but I promise you that they were riveting in the moment. She also took our picture! Lots of pictures actually, that she posted on Facebook for us (look up BigFoot Hostel and Volcano Boarding if you want to see me!).

And then we were at the top. Oh god. Oh goodness gracious. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life but this was up there with playing ball in the Brady Bunch house.

What's that thing they say about Mother Nature? That she's a bitch? Oh yes, that is certainly right because when you're sitting on a piece of wood sliding down what could be described as Mother Nature's back acne, you are not in control. It does not matter what your instructor said about sitting up, lying back or how to turn, you are just going down wherever Mother Nature's cousin, Gravity, sends you. Some people wanted to go fast, others wanted to go slowly but it really didn't matter what they wanted and it certainly didn't matter that I am a nerd who prefers sarcastic comments and watching TV to bungee jumping and drag racing, I was going downnn.

Even Whitney was nervous at this point...

We were towards the back of the group and Whitney went before me. She seemed to have a good time going down and clocked in at 20km per hour. In reviewing the footage from her GoPro, she is singing Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles for a good portion of her five minute ride.

And then it was my turn... I got off to a really good start! And just as I was starting to feel impressed with myself, Mother Nature laughed at me, and I wiped out. Actually, I flopped into a pretty impressive hole on the side of this thing. As I got myself straightened out, some guy cut me off -- that shouldn't be possible since there are specific  tracks but did I mention that you can pretend to be in control here but you aren't? My point exactly. So I wiped out again. Have you ever tried to run uphill in volcanic ash and get yourself resituated on a three foot sled? I don't recommend it... I kind of rolled down most of the volcano instead of using my board to be honest. And to add insult to injury (although I didn't get injured, thankfully) IT ACTUALLY STARTED TO RAIN ON ME. Just me. The rain started when I was going down and stopped when I was done. How does that happen?!

I have no idea how fast I was going because I DON'T CARE. I didn't get the fastest speed of the day of 70-something kilometers per hour because I'm not insane!! (The all-time fastest is 95). I'm just really happy that I was still alive and able to sit on the tractor ride home without having to ice any body parts (which was not to the case for everyone. Whitney, future physical therapist, gave quite the consultation as she casually sipped her two free beers).

For lunch (which was more like a mid afternoon snack since we didn't get back until 2), we went to a local bakery and I had a chocolate croissant and chocolate cake because when you're still covered from head to foot in volcanic ash and have most of a volcano in your socks, you get to eat what you want.

We've spent the rest of the day relaxing with long showers and longer blogging sessions. At one point, I dipped my toes in our hotel's pool but considering that it is smaller than the average fountain in an American mall, it wasn't that exciting. We're heading out in a bit for dinner and then I'm doing The Lava Shot Challenge tonight. It's extreme but it isn't a sport so I'm game; Whitney is not. They line up three shots and each one gets spicier. You get five seconds in between each shot and if you don't vomit in the thirty seconds following the third shot, you get a free shirt. I want that shirt. #InItForTheShirt. I will win!! And will probably blog about it so prepare yourselves for another thrilling tale of my drinking escapades.

Now everyone wish Whitney a happy early birthday because if she ever tries to make me go volcano boarding again, she won't have another one!